to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
