The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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