cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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