I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
