On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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