Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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