remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
