my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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