No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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