I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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