i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
