do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
