weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
