Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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