I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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