Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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