im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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