I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
