Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize