omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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