Pants 0. Shit 1.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
