Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
