May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
