I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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