Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
