I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
