seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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