That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
