I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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