I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
