I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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