im drinking this country out of the recession.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
