just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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