I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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