I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows whatβs up
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