surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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