Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
