you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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