i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
