I have demons in me.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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