I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
