oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
