I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Randomize
