hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
