i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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