I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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