i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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