fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
