I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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