one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
even my farts smell like vagina
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
