My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize