I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
