I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
