1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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