Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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