he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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