i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
