I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
