My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
